Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Divorced parents 5 Biggest Mistakes

I was watching Dr. Phil one day and wow this hit home big time, being from a divorced family, not wanting to do this to my child (which I am divorced,) and seeing my 2nd husband go through this with his ex-wife.  Why would anyone want to keep their child from the other parent or make the other parent seem like this awful person.  I wish everyone would look in the mirror and remember it takes two to ruin a marriage, yes the other may have done something really bad but what you should ask to yourself is What did I do wrong?. 

1. Sabotaging your child's relationship with the other parent
    So many parents when they get divorced look at the child as betraying them if they have a relationship with the other parent, there is no betray it's the child just wanting to love each parent and remember they are going through this huge change too, not just you.  The child doesn't no what happened between you two so keep it that way. When my daughter asks me why daddy and I aren't together anymore I simply say we just weren't right for each other but Daddy and his wife now love each other and they love you so much and they are better for each other.  Nothing bad on either part and making her no that sometimes things just weren't meant to be but that we both love her no matter what and so do her step parents.

2. Parents use their kids as pawn.
    People use the kids against each other, like a game.  Why would they do this because they are pissed.  Both parents can do this which can lead to major problems later in their life, it's like the only thing either parent has to get back at the child.  It's a huge game and I wish people would leave the child out of it, not that there shouldn't be child support or other expenses taken care of but that it should be fair and just move on, it's not the childs fault.

3. Using your child to Gain Information or to Manipulate
    Children are not to be interrogated to find out things, you want to know something then ask.  DO NOT BRING THE CHILD INTO THE DIVORCE.  If I need to know something I ask my ex simple as that or his parents when they have her because he's in the navy so sometimes they get her instead on his weekends. 

4. Transferring Hurt Feelings and Frustrations onto Your Child
    I know from my experience I did this because I was hurt and disappointed that I was getting divorced and that she would never have the mom/dad household.  I no my parents still talk about all the hurt and blame each other still after 20 some years later on things, just don't do it.

5. Treating your Child like an adult
    I can remember times when I got thrown into an issue with my parents divorce and I was so confused cause I all I wanted to do was love each of them, I had no idea what the fighting was about but that I felt like it was my fault.  I have so many issues from the things that happened between them and it still bothers me they blame each other to this day, it's not my fault so stop expecting me to understand what happened.

I hope that many parents remember the kid is a kid, so let them be a kid.  I am not the perfect ex and I probably piss my ex off a lot and his new wife too but I try my hardest to not allow my daughter to know anything about what is going on with the situation or how I feel about things, that is what my counselor is for or my friends are for.  You may hate your ex and they may have done something really bad to hurt you but it doesn't mean that your child should hate the other parent too, nor should you want them to.  If they ask one day just tell them it didn't work out, we weren't right for each other and if you are having a hard time explaining to them then go to a counselor with them and hear what they have to say.   I hope that I will never use my child against my ex and I wouldn't, I hope my daughter has the best relationship with him as she can and that she knows his family to but that is because I let go and let god happen within me. 

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